.... Relapsed.. let my friends and family down again what the heck is wrong with me
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It ain’t about them. You need to get clean for YOURSELF. If you are doing it for any other reason, you have a built in relapse excuse. Relapses happens, don’t beat yourself up too bad. We are only human. Get to a meeting, call someone… it’s progress not perfection.
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If we fall down we gotta get back up. I don't think it means something is wrong with us when we stumble maybe we just forgot to see the brick in the road as an obstacle that we could step over to the next part of our walk. You can do this, I know it. Have faith.
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Thank you I guess I needed to hear that. I don't get it I'm good for 4 or 5 months then boom I'm back at the bottom getting drunk and high.
Addiction is a sneaky demon, it waits until you let your guard down and tricks you into thinking you can just take one drink, or one hit. I would recommend if you are not in a program, look into them. We can not do sober alone. We need those who know the struggles, feelings and how hard it is to stay sober. It’s a WE program. The fellowship will also help to keep you accountable.
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I'm trying to find a program I will fit in it's just a little difficult. I know it sounds like an excuse but I am trying.
The apps “in the rooms” and “meeting guide” are both free and give the location and times of meetings in your area. The local people in the meetings will have even more info to help you out
Thank you I will look into both of them
I feel like I lete every one down again.... they refuse to give up on me and I don't understand
Stop beating yourself up… it happens…. Dust yourself off and start over. You got this
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Maybe you should listen to them. If they refuse to give up, there is a reason. YOU are that reason. Time to let go and surrender. We as addicts have a hard time with that. I believe in you.
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I agree with what Tim L. is saying. When I relapsed I may have let down my loved ones and those around me but most importantly I let myself down. If I'm not getting clean/sober for myself I am most definitely sure to relapse. This is the one and only selfish part of these spiritual programs. We can use outside influences to help motivate us but deep down and above all, we have to want recovery/sobriety for ourselves.
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I tried doing it for my parents, for my kids... but Tim is correct, you've got to want it for yourself. After sobering up, just not using or drinking one day at a time, I began to understand I needed to love myself. But HOW!? I had to build a relationship with my Higher Power so my HP could love and accept me with grace and mercy when I couldn't do it for myself. HOW? With:
H-onesty
O-pen mindedness
W-illingness
Drinking and using is a "me" thing... Sobriety is a "we" thing. I know it may be intimidating to walk into a program meeting place, but I promise you if just get in there and keep going back, listen to and apply some of the suggestions others give you, miracles will happen in your life 
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No judgement here. Get up dust off your pants and start over again. If it was easy there would be no need for this app or AA or any other sobriety help. One day at a time is real. Make the choice that today I will not drink/use. Reach out
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Vanya, google aa online. There are so many online meetings every day. They are all friendly and welcoming. I myself have been doing at least two a day for several weeks. It helps
That sounds like what I need to do myself
what online aa meeting 
You’re going through the process of your willingness to commit to complete sobriety
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You asked “what the heck is wrong with me”? I know what I used to think was wrong with me. I’m weak. I’m a failure. I’m F’d up. I’m a loser. I’m a liar. I’m no good. I’m a deviant. I’m bad. The true simple answer is we are sick. We have an illness. When we don’t take care of our illness, we act poorly and hurt ourselves and others. We are not bad people. Please go get the help you need. It’s time to stop living in the problem and start living in the solution. Go some place where people will understand exactly what you are going thru (AA or NA). You will be welcomed there. They have all suffered thru the same questions and failures. When you share your stories, they won’t look at you like you’re a freak. You will see them nod their heads as they completely relate to you.
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Drinking is what we do. It’s the 24 hours without a drink that’s the miracle. I had to endure enough pain to cancel my reservations (right meeting, convenient time, nice people, etc). Finally I became willing to do whatever I needed to do to get out of pain and the incomprehensible demoralization I was living.
Then the miracle began.
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