I’m tired of feeling guilty and shameful and hateful toward myself. I’m tired of making the same decisions over and over which always leads to me feeling out of wack, out of control, and internally gross. I just want to go to bed and wake up a year from now just so I can give my body time to rest and remain sober and celibate. I need a break from life. To push the pause button until I can catch my breath. But nope. There’s more to come. More difficulties. More temptations. More doubt. More lostness. I am lost. And fragile. And scared. So if there’s no escaping the realities of life’s challenges then I need to learn how to heal. And I thought I did. But year after year of relapses, I simply don’t. Anyone, how do I heal??
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Step one, reaching out. Success! Next, get connected. Meetings, sponsor, some kind of program. Some of us are able to stop using, but that isn’t the whole answer. Just like you said, healing. And we do that by following a program that others have done. Little by little, we heal, just a little. There is work required. That’s where the support will guide you.
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For me, talking in meetings took a bit of sting out of my wounds. I did that for months, the not alone, comiseration helped. But the true healing didnt occur until I ACTUALLY Worked the STEPS, started being of service to others- took a role in meeting so I had some ownership in my program. Kept showing up even when my self hate was screaming for me to stay home. The steps journey led to releases of my pain. I do have promises of recovery in my life today. Send
ing encouragement for yo,u. Go grab a sponsor that will hold you accountable and call you on your st..t. If what your doing isnt working, shake it up and try something new.
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I started out by only thinking of only doing one day at a time. It’s only one day… also you will heal if you want to heal. You got this.
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Relying upon the members of the program and my sponsor helped me in the beginning. I had a great home group I felt connected to until I could do the STEPS !!! Now I have a higher power. But I still had healing work to do. I sought outside help. Working with a licensed therapist helps immensely. Also I had some childhood trauma and am now doing EMDR therapy for specific trauma. It seems to help a lot. Also medication for depression and anxiety helped me a lot.
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Man give yourself some grace. The healing comes with work. As the other replies have said, get involved with a program… any program. My sponsor told me early on in recovery, “you got to this point over time, healing isn’t going to happen overnight” it sounds like you have opened yourself up and that’s really the first step. Admitting you are powerless, and asking for help. But you also need to be present and active in your own recovery. Get to meetings, talk to a therapist, take meds if the doctors suggest them. Keep coming back man.
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Get a sponsor and work the steps. Stay sober one day at a time. Don’t over complicate it.
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Ha! I wanted to take a whole bag of steroids, do 1 pushup and be buff! But I realized I had to actually do the real work.
When I made MY sobriety the #1 priority over everything & everyone, then my life got simpler & easier 1 day at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time. Sobriety 1st, then everything works itself out.
Decide!
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Thank you for your post. It meant a lot to see one person respond 
Thank you. This is the truth I don’t want to hear but need to hear of actually working the steps. Thank you.
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Thank you!
Thank you, Brant. I’ve been seeing a therapist and it helps a lot but I’m realizing there’s a lot more work I have to do. I’m sure I will get there but it’s just finally coming to a realization that it’s gonna be a lot of work.
Sooo when I had something not settling right in my recovery, I had tried everything except the steps! Something inside of me kept telling me I needed to at least try to get them done at least once in life right, well holy cow, I wish I would’ve sooner and maybe I wouldn’t of had this emptiness inside of me sitting on clean time and my crazy thoughts of things that happened years ago like it was yesterday..
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Thank you! Grace is crucial. When I wrote this initial post I was in a really bad headspace and I can feel myself coming out of it, but you’re still right, at the moment I was very hard in my self. Thank you for your advice and steps you offered.
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It is that simple, isn’t it. One day at a time. Thank you!
Thank you. Yes, there’s a lot of work that comes with this. Just feels like I’ve been working towards sobriety for awhile and continue to fail. Thank you for your direct and honest post. It is a decision that I have to make to prioritize or not. Thank you.
Those feelings that you described is exactly how I feel a lot of times. Thank you! I’ve been dismissive of the steps after going to a few meetings but I think you’re right. I have to give it a try at least once in my life. Again, thank you!
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Brother I used to be where you are. I used to ask the same questions to people all the time, why is it taking so long, why isn’t my life changing now. I want.
That’s where you have to stop and go to God. Pray seek his help and grace. The first major step in healing is admitting that you can’t do it alone. That you do not have the power to change your life alone that it is going to take someone or something greater than you to help you.
When you believe that in your heart. Read Romans 10:9-10
It changed my life.
“The difference between regret and shame is regret is something you learn from while shame is buried and not acknowledged. It is the same as wisdom and knowledge. Wisdom means you learned the lesson and apply it. While knowledge means you know and do nothing with it. “
In the 11th step prayer it speaks about “By forgiving one is forgiving. “ who you were vs who you are, are two different people.
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I've asked myself the very same question many times...how to heal...something that has helped me...knowing that time does not heal all wounds. It just gives them space to sink into the subconscious where they will continue to impact emotions and behaviors...what HEALS is going inward...loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history. Learning how to LET GO and follow your intuition/heart