I've been sober 18mo, am in school, have a decently profitable business, did my steps, go to meditation retreats, am of service, go to meetings......but I have been struggling so hard with feelings lately it's getting overwhelming. It's hard for me to make friends and community where I live. I feel like I'm using my past as an excuse as to why but the fact remains I'm not doing good.
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Hey Mark! I'm going back to school too. Are you on campus or doing online?
I'm attending in person classes. I just finished my first semester and started summer school. I feel really proud of myself since I didn't even complete a single year of hs
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That's awesome man! I dropped out of high school too but doing it without even finishing a year of high school is amazing! What made you want to go back?
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Sobriety has given me the courage to deal with learning about myself and in turn the courage to try things I've always wanted to try but never had the room for.
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Whether youâre in active addiction or sober I think itâs perfectly normal to feel down or low. After allâŚ. Weâre all human. We go through a series of streaks, peaks, and valleys.
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I'm happy for you man. When I first went back I felt like I didn't belong. Like I was hiding who I really was. I was always worried someone would find out things I had said or done when I was drinking. Is that sort of what you meant when you said you were using your past as an excuse?
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I am a convicted felon, arms dealing, drug trafficking, violence, etc. It makes it hard for me to talk to people. I also recently had to end a very sticky relationship with a person that I felt knew the real me and loved me in spite of my past. I guess at the end of the day I am grateful that I can feel these feelings because in the past I was a ruthless monster.
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Dude. Everything youâre doing is incredible! Didnât even finish a year of HS and now college?! Dude! Killin it! Donât let your past weigh you down, itâs the past for a reason. Be a better version of yourself each day. Iâm about to have my first child, and Iâm making him a onesie that says âIâll only get more wonderful.â I tell myself the same thing daily, and I think that mantra is a great way to look at what you have ahead.
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Sounds to me that you are right on schedule, don't use and go to meetings!
Mark, today you are honest, today you are willing, today you have goals & are actively pursuing those goals, today you are making life changes, today you are continuing to make amends for your past by the mere fact that you have consistently chosen a different path, today your work & deeds are honorable, today is a long way from your past. Our mistakes & shortcomings do not define us because we are not our mistakes. I do not know your spiritual beliefs but I would like to offer you some things to meditate on. King David was a murderer & an adulterer. Yet, God defined him as a man after Godâs own heart. Paul, a Pharisee, persecuted the followers of Jesus even approving of the stoning of Stephen, yet God chose him to write half of the New Testament. I personally look at the Bible as the BIG Big Book considering portions of the Big Book are taken from the book of James. All of that said, clearly our past does not define who we are, our ability to change, our value, our accomplishments, our importance, and the ultimate mark we leave on humanity. All humans have a past, a present, & a future. Past mistakes, as regretful as they may be, are generally necessary for our education, for growth, for gratitude, and often point us in the direction where our lives will experience the greatest joy & be most beneficial to our fellowman. You are brave, courageous, and have a firm foundation. Keep on keeping on. Everyday will not look promising; there will be difficult days & painful circumstances. You are not alone. You are in the vast majority. Those in the minority are still lying to themselves. It is your consistency that is propelling you forward - some days at 1 mph & others at 1 mpm. Both are good days though both may not âfeelâ like a good day.
I use my feelings - good & bad; it offers me new perspectives/perceptions/awareness into myself. I believe my feelings can give me insight into the âunknown or only God knownâ pane of my johari window. Keep climbing & when you need a hand up, do what you have done today & reach out.
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Oh my goodness Jen thank you. That's exactly what I needed to hear.
Do you think this might be the cause of your feelings? I don't know what feeling you're struggling with, but just based on what you've said with this comment, you might feel like you don't deserve to be happy.
You do deserve to be happy!
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I honestly don't know what it is Lisa. But thank you.
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Mark. I read a quote that said people are like plants. Sometimes we need to be repotted. Not that simple to just relocate at times. But maybe youâve achieved/ experienced all that that space has to offer you. And itâs time to relocate. Near/ far. Who knows. Maybe you have a feeling about a place and need to take a leap of faith to reach your next level
You're spot on in a way. I needed to move here in order to get sober and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else
Maybe itâs time to move on. Not back where you came from but somewhere else. At least making the plans and looking forward might help get you through in the meantime
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Thanks Rodney, I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate your support!
And you will have numerous opportunities throughout your life to offer the same to someone else. On the day you arrive in heaven, you will be blessed just by seeing the multitude of people that benefitted from your inexpensive gift of time, caring, & a few words. If everyone you touch in your lifetime only touches one other person & the chain continues at just 1 on 1, you will see the power of change that your time, caring spirit, words left on humanity and for future generations. I believe in you.
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Mark, I would suggest that you are doing better than you think because you are not getting loaded. In recovery we face life on lifeâs terms. I fully appreciate your accomplishments but we all go through things in recovery. Take it a day at a time. WE will get through this.
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