So.. my ex-spouse and I are at the beginning phase of the break up and just being friends for the kids.. she keeps lashing out and wanting to talk about a certain night that I did a horrible thing (including other moments with similar behavior that I had) and that was in the moment her mother passed away and I sat and stared as she was falling apart in front of me, then I left. I don’t know exactly why I did that and I regret and hate myself for it. It cost me everything, and I don’t ever want to be that way again.. I’m just asking for help with understanding why we do this, and how to help the victim. Now that I’m sober, I keep re-living the moment and keep thinking about the way she was crying. I regret this soooo much and it has become another dark memory of regret. I do love her. But anyone else says, not enough. Is this true?.. like, am I incapable of loving correctly??
This is very difficult Seth. You’re only sober for a fairly short period of time (compared to how long you were drinking/drugging). It took me months a months to do what I’m going to suggest. Just let her talk. It’s going to be hard not to jump in and stand up for yourself. Let her get this all out without you devaluating her feelings. It’s really hard to just sit and listen, especially when she exaggerates or twists things in a way that makes you look even worse. Just let her vent. Acknowledge it. Let her feel heard. I can’t tell you it’ll all get better right away, but the more you can listen and validate her, the less she Will bring it up. I could go on and on about this, but if you care and want her to heal, this will help. All the best my brother
Somehow, I’m able to do that right now. I expected her to work on forgiving me when that was so irrational and selfish. I found that letting her vent and say whatever she needs to say is truly valid no matter what I think or feel about it. The hardest thing I’ve done so far, and the most confusing! I’m surprised with myself and somewhat proud to allow all of this to happen under her circumstances despite how my thinking used to be when I was in the dark room of my mind. We just talked, and I’m trying to help her see how I didn’t acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings and I couldn’t do it for anyone else.. although it’s not an excuse, it’s another thing I have to take responsibility for.
That’s a great start! The only other advice I’ve got is to let the process play out. Time takes time my friend. Just stay sober and continue to work on yourself. You’ve got a lot of good times ahead of you. You have a chance to be a great dad, and a great ex husband too
Thank you.. it’s bittersweet for sure . Sucks having to lose so much but yes, there’s a lot more to gain I suppose.
Part of recovery is remembering to let go of things that are out of your control. I have done things in my addiction that I regret, but I know that the past is out of my control and I need to let go of the guilt . The question isn’t “what can I do to help the victim? “ . The real question is “ what can I do to help myself so that I don’t hurt the other people in my life?”. The number one person is you right now , everything else will fall into place . You will only be ready to love others when you love yourself first
Thank you, I keep forgetting that part in all of this.. I’m reflecting off of people lately and I shouldn’t be doing that.
Seth, I have been in a similar situation. I would suggest you look at page 62 of the big book. The depth and width of my selfishness was astounding. That’s the problem most of the time and the steps hold the solution. Work the steps, all of them. I cannot change the past, but I can make amends for my past actions by living sober just for today and not repeating past actions. Try to practice patience. I drank and created wreckage for years. I can’t expect it to be fixed overnight. Again, be patient, and remember it’s not about you. Listen and understand, try to be of service. Love and tolerance is our code.
You are not that person anymore
Thanks Matt, I shall look into this and continue my step work thoroughly.. It’s the only thing I can rely on with myself.
Thank you for sharing this. I often wonder if my partner ever thinks about this. Although my situation is a tad different, i learned to forgive myself for those regrets. Who/what you were then is not a reflection of who you are now. In addition, my spouse continues to "rehash" certain moments in the past. Ultimately, we literally cannot do anything to change what has been done, so no need to relive, try and think of the what ifs and should ofs. Stay present
Forgiveness of myself seems to be what I’m struggling with the most today. I had everything and everyone I needed and I hate the part of me that was so blind to see that. I’ll self reflect a lot today but practice the positivity of that self awareness. I won’t allow myself to throw a pity party; instead I’ll think of what needed to be done the right way all along. There’s a lot I shoved to the back of my memory that I can’t completely recall but this way of processing should help overall… I hope.
Loving properly with no motive is a very difficult thing for most addicts/alcoholics. It’s not that we can’t love it’s more so we dish out a form that isn’t quite complete onto the other as we haven’t learned how to love ourselves first. Once we learn to love properly we are able properly love others
You have to forgive yourself first. Easier said than done. I literally did hours and hours of guided meditations on forgiving yourself. It's too much to keep thinking about it. And I have to go back to it when I try to take my will back (like recently).
This really popped out at me… and I’ve been thinking about it for the past hour and it helped the most because I didn’t think about love like that… I’ll start looking into re-forming my idea on love. That’s very powerful and I thank you for that.
In all honesty.. I think I’ll have to also re-build on what I visualize as forgiveness with myself. Of course I think back and kick myself in the back of my pants about the biggest/ worst decisions I’ve made.. but I’m not sure what it means to let it go. Hm, it’s something that’s probably inside of me but only the steps will unbury it I guess.
I’m struggling with the same thing right now man the wreckage we can cause is tough to look at sober but it’s necessary to feel. I’ve caused a lot of damage to my ex-wife and pretty much every woman I’ve been with since in one way or another. I’m not interested in numbing my actions today and that’s a huge step. Seeking the solution and realizing any hurt I’ve caused to others was hurting myself even more. This motivates me to work the steps and try my best to walk along spiritual lines in order to repair the wreckage of my past. Thank you for your honesty it has helped me more than you know today
Yes, making people feel inferior to ourselves caused a lot of damage as well as the potential they could’ve gained if we would’ve treated them better. It seems like it’s a good thing though; some silver lining that they hopefully realize now that people like us should never be apart of their lives again.. not considering who we are now of course.. but I pray that both parties heal. I wish you the best, Kevin. And I really appreciate your input on my problem!
Seth my man, I want to congratulate you on any sober time you’ve accrued. But if I saw both of you in couples therapy, or separately, I would likely bring up the fact that those of us who use drugs and alcohol to numb , and very often do so because we are extremely emotionally sensitive people who have our own traumas, and are coping in a maladaptive way.
Your ex may not see it this way, ever, but being in the inner circle of somebody who has suffered a loss of a parent is traumatizing. Being a partner to someone who experiences sudden loss is even more traumatic. When people process grief, or the grief of a loved one, it is not unusual for some people to kind of shut down and not outwardly show any emotion. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should have been drinking or using, but it is a extremely common reaction to trauma and grief. I wouldn’t be surprised if you went into shock , from the way you describe the way you reacted. Either way, it is in the past now, and you can continue to apologize that you were not able to be more supportive at that time but there is no use in ruminating about the icky feelings you get when you think back to this time, or the negative emotions you feel when she continues to put blame on you for her pain.
My father got prescribed bed mix of psych medication about 10 years ago, and he ended up being one of those few people who have an adverse reaction and he committed suicide.
In my grief, I would go from being completely silent and irresponsive to occasionally wailing like a banshee. Both were ways of coping. And I was using and drinking in order to cope as well after years of sobriety. Frankly, that was not a healthy way to process my feelings., but I might be dead right now, myself, if I had not turned to some thing in order to cope. Even if it is some thing that is destructive or unhealthy.
So my point is: There is absolutely nothing wrong or defective with you, or your ability to love; if you are in active addiction, it can be hard to give your partner what they need, and want; and they may feel abandoned or neglected. I can tell you care very much about this and it sounds like you are carrying some shame. Guilt is natural, and admitting one’s wrong actions is a normal part of the recovery process. but SHAME and blame are very toxic and serves no purpose in making is more stable humans or better humans.
The difference between the two is Did something bad” versus “I am bad.” You are NOT a bad person. I would suggest doing some self forgiveness meditations, online or download Insight Timer, which has millions of free ones.
Also part of her grieving process may have been – or still is – to point blame toward you for the way you acted at the time and to revisit that frustration and bring it up time and time again. If you think about it from her perspective, it’s a lot easier to have Somebody to blame. I pointed my finger at everyone around me before pointing it out myself, and then ultimately pointing it at God for the incomprehensible a loss I was experiencing.
I suggest if you have not heard of it before, to look up the stages of grief, modeled by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It may help explain a few things about both your behavior at that time, and hers. I would also try to come up with some type of coping mechanism if she continues to bring this up, even if you have to apologize and walk out of the room or repeat the serenity prayer in your head over and over again. You are not responsible for her loss, but it’s understandable why she feels let down because you don’t show emotion in the same ways and felt distant and alienated.
Addiction makes us selfish and can manifest in emotional disconnect but overall, if you are processing these events with a sober support network, or a therapist, then you are on the right path; and did the right thing by bringing up these feelings.
it’s really impossible to know why we act the way we do sometimes. Especially when it comes to losing a loved one, or being in a relationship with someone who experiences that initial shock and the bereavement that follows.
Also, whether you were high or drunk, your ‘freeze’ or disassociation response does not mean you are an unloving or disrespectful person. You sound like just the opposite.
If your ex stays stuck in that paradigm end, and cannot forgive right now, then just work on your end by forgiving yourself and encourage her to get grief counseling to help her process her anger and her loss. It is up to you how many times you want to apologize – but at a certain point that too, just becomes another “stuck point”. I think what is most important know is that you are able to be there for your kids, and it will be harder to do that too if you are carrying a lot of shame. Also, as messed up as it sounds, whatever you did, or did not do - you were doing the best you could with the tools you had. When people are in active addiction, a lot of those tools go out the window. Or the entire toolbox!
You’re doing a great job just bringing this up. So take it step by step and Let me know if you have any questions about my comments.
I just wanted to chime in because I’ve been in your shoes and in her shoes. And although it is not healthy in excess, anger and blame may be a tool she is using to cope.  It is clear to me that you are an empathetic person, but it can take years and years to process the painful emotions surrounding such a big loss.  Whether or not you agree with some of my points, it is a good and healthy thing for you to talk about this and start your own healing journey.
When you are stable in your sobriety, perhaps, then you can help in new ways on her healing journey. For now, focus on yourself, your sobriety, your kids, and whatever makes you happy in this world!! Sending you good vibes.
Take care, communication, lean into support/help and 
keep working at it