07 July 2017
This was my rock bottom, however, the power of drug addiction was stronger than my desire to stop living this lifestyle. I continued to take my addiction to deep, dark places for another 7 years.
I was at the local Motel 6 doing sh*t that I should not of been doing with a few other addicts. All of a sudden two men barge into my room. This guy named Koko and his friend Toothless Wayne ( big burly trailer park king pin) attempted to rob us. I stood up and fought. I was fighting one of the guys expecting the other people in the room would take care of Koko as I secured Toothless Wayne.
I’m accustomed to fighting with friends that fight by your side;not meth heads. As I had the one guy in the corner (Toothless Wayne) I lost all situational awareness and was blindsided by the but-t of a 12 gauge shotgun. I was down and they stomped me almost unconscious and tried to take my wallet but they could not get to it before they fled with all the dope. Every bone on the left side of my face were fractured or broken and the VA put me back together. 10 days later on 17 July 2017, my life long friend Jennifer Nevin was kidnapped, then murdered by Koko. I could not save her. It hurts. I failed Jen. Koko shot her in the back of the head because he thought she was a confidential informant. Koko murdered her with the same shotgun that he robbed me with. This experience changed my life forever. I realized how fragile life is and how quickly things can go wrong. I needed to come to terms with my addiction and the dangerous situations it put me in, but I did not.
I have sought help several time and entered rehabs to get clean and start rebuilding my life. This is my 15th rehab I’ve been to ( inpatient and outpatient combined)
I still carry the physical scars from that night, but the emotional scars run even deeper. Losing Jennifer was a devastating blow, and I will never forget her or the senseless violence that took her from us. I am grateful for this 15th chance I’ve been given and I am determined to make the most of it.
Dear Tony my Brother in Addiction n now, I pray in Recovery.I felt every word of your terrible story n I hav a response for you. Now is the time for you to step forward from the wreckage of your past and forgive yourself for the murder of your friend.I am sure to my Soul she forgives you. And she wants you free of this half- life you’ve been living. You don’t have to do it forever. Just today. Do it for her. Dedicate your Sobriety to Her if that’s what it takes.But I think you deserve to drop the chains of addiction right now n never ever pick them up again. Torturing yourself will not bring Her back. But make Her proud and claim this freedom for yourself. It’s time. All it will cost is your old life. And that’s mostly gone anyway, seems like. So now, it’s time for Tony to have a life of beauty, regaining self pride and hope for better days. I’ll pray for you if that’s ok. I say Creator but it’s God, Higher Power of my understanding. Sunday Aug 4th, I’ll celebrate 38 yrs clean n sober n I didn’t do it alone.You can do this. You already showed you hav the courage to be honest.maybe you are meant to help others.
Just believe you deserve this new chance. Why not? Sending love n strength n blessings. Sky B 
🪶:butterfly:
🩵🦬:eagle:
I love your responses Sky. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope, and 38 years of wisdom with me. It means the world. I will do as you suggest and thank you
What a powerful, sad story. I am so happy for you deciding to do the right thing.
Thank you Heather. It too a long time. Better late than dead.
Agreed, Tony. At least you are alive. And doing well it seems like.
You are a miracle in the making and you just haven’t realized it yet, but trust me the promises in your life will come if you just keep your hands on the reins and promise god or whoever is the one of your understanding you won’t let go this time. It’s time for them to drive this car, you have wrecked to many times. You have mine and so many more people’s blessings. God speed.
Thanks for sharing Tony.
I tried to commit suicide by downing a bottle of sleeping pills in 2017. Look how far we've come. You can do it this time!
I did the same thing in 2017. I took a handful of opioids and benzos. I tried and failed 2 times at suicide in 2017. That was a bad year. WE CAN do it this time. I can’t do this without you. I’m having a challenging time today, because I may be getting divorced and I don’t want to lose my animals or my farm. However, I will not pick up no matter what. Not today. And thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that with me..
Man, I just want to say I'm glad you're here. I know you can beat it this time.
Thank you Joshua. The love and support we get and give in the rooms or recovery, is unbelievable. I appreciate you being part of my recovery.
Thank you, Sassy. I believe that those of us who have struggled with addiction and have been able to find recovery are truly miraculous. We are like a family, and I am thankful for each and every one of you.
you got this Tony and I’m sure Jen is proud of you for getting back up each time
Pray for you buddyv
My heart feels so good right now To y! Look at the beautiful messages of support n love coming at you Man! Yes you made it here n we will all love you til you learn to love yourself! Rest well tonight! Creator/God got your back n we do too! With love Sky​:eagle:🦬:sparkles:
❤‍🔥:sun_with_face:🪶🩵:star2:
You're welcome man, we're all in this together.
You are a miracle. Thank you so much for sharing your pictures with us. Experience strength and hope.
Sounds like you are determined!
Know that we are still here for a purpose and finding that has become my mission. We don't know how much time we have left here on planet earth so we may as well finish it living in the present clear headed rather than what we had been doing
Well, for me there were many bottoms. Pretty extreme but not as bad as this story. I guess it depends on what you’re willing to lose and how much pain you can take before you actually stop digging. It was losing the opportunity to be a Dad for me but that doesn’t work with everyone. Some just keep digging until they stop or the addiction stops them. This story happened like 7 years ago so I hope you find some reason to stop because this story wasn’t enough for you. What will be? What are you not willing to lose? Those are the questions that I asked myself and that got me sober for good.
I am struggling with the words to describe how I feel. At best: I'm glad you're here and please forgive yourself.