I have 39 days clean and sober today but people still treat me and judge me as the same person I was before.
My husband just told me 39 days isn’t a big deal compared to the time I spent high and drunk making bad decisions.
I am so upset right now. How long does it take for people to see me as I am today and what I’m working towards.
Why even stay sober when I could have much more fun high and intoxicated and I could just really be what people already think I am.
9 Likes
Sobriety is not their journey- it’s yours. For those that don’t support you will only weigh down your efforts and goals of what you want out of this sober journey.
Sobriety is YOUR journey. Be proud of every day that you fight for it.
4 Likes
Hi I can so relate. I have almost 23 months and I continue to have my past thrown in my face. Just yesterday actually was told by my husband I ruined his life. So imagine how hard it is not to drink again. I am on an emotional rollercoaster ride every day. One day it’s I love you the next I ruined the life. Don’t know what end is up anymore. Tired of apologizing over and over. Just really want to say forget it but for me to drink again is for me to die. I wish I didn’t survive in 2019 when this first happened some days. I am so good at helping everyone but myself
2 Likes
Hi Michelle. I understand your frustration, as I have a spouse, kids, and friends too. My wife also said some very hurtful things…and still does. She says them because she’s hurt. My drinking hurt me and the people around me. It wasn’t just one or two episodes, it was years of slow destruction. It takes time. It’s good that you feel that you are a different person now. Keep remembering that. Let them get out their anger and hurt, while you continue to stay sober and show them you’ve changed. 39 days is amazing. It’s amazing to all of us who have walked this path. However, don’t expect others to ever truly understand what we go thru. One day they will appreciate the changes.
I have to bust your chops on the last part of your post. Be honest. Were you feeling fine 39 days ago? Were you having fun? Can you go out and drink and live a happy life? I know I sure as heck wouldn’t be here if I could drink/drug like normal people. Be careful with those sick thoughts. Recognize the BS your mind is telling you.
6 Likes
I’m not at 23 months yet, but there seems to no end to my wife feeling hurt and betrayed. I do think she is trying to forgive me. I do know she sees I have changed. However, the pain and hurt my addiction caused my family hasn’t just disappeared. I’m not sure it ever will. Things were going pretty well, but just last night my wife was upset. I try to be understanding and supportive. She’s not healing nearly as fast as I am. She doesn’t have the support I have. I let her vent and get it out. I don’t take it as personal as I used to. She’s talking about a different me. I was very sick. I don’t feel the need to defend myself. She’s entitled to be hurt. I know she wants to not be triggered and upset. I hope I can be patient with her. She’s finally seeing a good therapist. I think this is stirring up a lot of emotions. At some point we will both have to make a decision to live with the past and move forward, or go our separate ways. The past will always be a trigger away, but I’m hoping the feelings associated with it slowly subside so that we can enjoy life.
6 Likes
Lee kinda hit the nail on this. I know it seems like you would have fun and “be the person they think you are” but really what are you doing to yourself. I know I didn’t like being confronted with the wreck that was my life. And I had conditioned my wife to do and say what I wanted. So what I got sober it was hard for her to accept the change. All the lies, hurtful words, feelings… it is going to take time to show and prove you are changed. The time you have sober is amazing! Don’t discredit it. But how long were you in the bottle before? Will it get better? That’s up to you be your spouse. Is there a definitive timeline… heck no. It will happen when it happens. Patients is not a strong suit of addicts. But we can learn to accept the things.
3 Likes
I honestly have never felt so low and down like today. So my fight will have to be strong.
3 Likes
The past is when YOU decide it is the past. Whether you’re sober for 5 days or 50 years, if one wants to hold onto your past, they will forever do so. You need to focus on you and you only. Addict or not, I find the 12 steps to be a HUGE help. You can only help and fix yourself. No one can do it for you and you can do it for no one else. Keep your head up and your sobriety your main priority. A line I read a few months ago has stuck with me and I like to share it… “I no longer live in the house that you are trying to rob.” AKA it is super pointless to live in the past because no one is there any more. You’ll be alright. Stick to being sober and it’ll all make sense one day.
3 Likes
Dear Michelle, I relate with your question and with what each individual here shared.
Back when I was in my relationship in Louisiana ( handful of years ago )…a woman at a meeting told me something which I cannot forget and which ended up being the truth. She said-in regards-to my significant other at the time:
“ You might need to accept that he is not going to be part of your sobriety “…and this turned out to be true.
He is a part of sending me video footage of Olivia Newton-John just two days back ( we both love her - tough not to )…while right, he is not part of this journey for me.
I have dropped the expectation of others understanding. While that is not easy so often. Duh. Right? My own mother told me days back that my progress is “ too slow “.
Uhm. Love ya mom while a grand ole “ f u “ to those sorts of comments from people in our lives.
2 Likes
You & those around you are on different timelines. The past is the past for YOU the moment you commit to change & start rebuilding your trust in YOURSELF. The past is the past for OTHERS whenever🤷🏼♂️
That’s none of your business.
You can’t control it.
Don’t worry about it.
Focusing on THEIR ideas of who YOU are is only gonna cause problems.
There’s this place that a lot of people live in that is unhealthy & unfruitful -
I am not what I think I am.
I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think you think I am.
Get out of that place!
Your husband doesn’t think 39 days is that big of a deal? Whatever. Do YOU? Can you find others that do?
Your neighbor doesn’t think 9 months is proof? Whatever? Who are you proving yourself to anyway?
People are allowed to think whatever they want.
Focus on what you’re thinking.
3 Likes
39 days doesn't make up for years of abuse in other people's eyes sometimes
3 Likes
And I hate that you know. I hate the stuff I’ve done and the people I’ve hurt. It kills me inside. I just can’t wait for the day that I am forgiven.
1 Like
What other people think is none of your business. It is your business to keep your side of the street clean. Keep coming back.
2 Likes
I still get judged after two years!! But now that I myself know who I am! I just keep myself going there talking about me is in my past and there the only ones missing out!! This is about you only!!
1 Like
The period at the end of this sentence is the past, technically. All of our experiences are unique and the past definitely varies among those of us in sobriety. For me, on some days the past is a few seconds ago and other days it is the worst memory I can conjure up from the deepest, darkest mental archive. You are not alone with those bad feelings when your past is brought up, as "present, sober you" has an arsenal of rationality and growth to deal with these challenging occasions. Keep on fighting, you are worthy of this beautiful, sober life!
Same here. What others think of us is not our business.
Trust takes time. When I had gotten my one year chip I had called across the country to my folks and told them about it and told them that I was thinking about coming back to visit. They lived in Ohio and I lived in Amarillo Texas.
They told me that you might think about just staying where you are for right now. The reason they said that is because they didn't want the trouble that was usually connected to me being there. Two years went by, No change. Sometime after the third year my mother and father started to believe that I was really serious about my sobriety. My father asked me, "so when are you coming to visit?"
Ad stated in a previous comment, it's not our business what others think of us. We hurt a lot of people along the way and it really does take time to earn their trust. Another thing to remember is that alcoholism is a family disease. It's not just the alcoholic that is affected but their families too.
I’m at 2 years 5 months, it took almost 2 years for one of kids to trust me again. It’s very hard tho bc I still see hurt in my husband although he is supportive. I remember at first, I had no support and it was so hard. Just hang in there and do it for u right now. When they see u STAY sober and ur serious, it should change .
Remember, it’s one day at a time. You don’t need an excuse to drink if your an alcoholic. It takes what it takes for the wreckage of our past to be cleared. Work the steps, that will help.
Work on forgiving yourself. Others will follow suit once they see you being the change. Words are cheap. Recovery is a program of actions.
And speaking to the last part of what you wrote initially, was it really any fun at the end? I was miserable. I was blacked out ashamed full of fear and regret. I couldn’t even brush my teeth without throwing up. Getting and staying sober isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but it’s so much better than the shame remorse regret drink repeat cycle I was on.
3 Likes