Why does it feel like as soon as you tell a love interest that you're in recovery it basically seals the deal-breaker? As soon as I say I work at a rehab they ask me if I'm in recovery and what am I going to do lie to them that's a great way to start out the relationship right? But as soon as I tell them I'm in recovery it's like huge red flag stigma all that good stuff LOL I guess I'm just venting kind of sucks
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Why not turn the question around on them and ask up front “ if I was in recovery would that make a difference to you? What are you afraid of?” At least that gives an opportunity to talk about it and answer any questions they may have.
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Because some people are judgmental and feel better about themselves when they can say “At least I’m not this or that…” There continues to be a negative stigma surrounding addiction, and it will likely be that way for a while. It’s something we’re going to have to deal with, and the people who don’t want to associate with you (me) because you’re (I’m) in recovery are missing out on some of the strongest people on earth. That is their loss, friend.
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Why not just say "I don't drink"? Telling everyone you're "in recovery" is no good. WE understand it, the verbiage, but not everyone does. Don't make yourself sound like a broken pound puppy haha
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I have found women to be positive and supportive as they slowly back away from you. I don’t know the answer, I’ve got the same problem. I did stop sharing too much though, now I just say I don’t drink, if they ask I elaborate, if not I leave it at that. Good luck.
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I agree and disagree. If you make it sound like a problem then who is going to want to deal with that? If you aren't squared away enough that you can't be around someone who is having a beer without freaking the fu©k out and going full jacka$$ then maybe you shouldn't be dating someone outside of a program. "In recovery" sounds terrible if you don't know what the deal is.
I do the same. I start with “I don’t drink,” and the question that inevitably comes next is “Why?” I used to say “I just don’t,” and they would STILL ask “Why?” Whether I know them or not, I can say “I’m in recovery.” And it doesn’t bother me. I’m good with me.
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Better to find out early that someone isn't a good fit for your recovery lifestyle.
As long as you're honest, the right one will eventually come along
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Yeah, but as he mentioned above, if someone simply asks “Are you in recovery?” And you answer honestly, as he did, and they still see that as a problem, that’s on them. I agree, though, that if you can’t go to a restaurant or picnic and keep it together because there’s alcohol around, you aren’t ready to be out there. You have to be good with you, and see recovery not as a problem, but as YOUR solution, not everyone else’s.
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Yeah, I get what you're saying. I don't think of "recovery" as a "problem" but I also don't see it as a cross to bear that needs pushed in everyone's face. I never wanna be one of those people that's like "nope I can't listen to Tom Waits because he has songs about drinking" or "I can't watch that movie because there are too many bar scenes in it" even if I agree with those sentiments, I dont wanna be a downer about everything, same as I don't wanna hang out with people who need to drink to enjoy anything.
This is a good conversation.
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I’m on that same road. It’s lonely but perhaps we just need to find someone who’s expecting of you the way you are. I used to get offended a lil bit now I’m like meh better they showed that said before wasting each other’s time.
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When asked why, I have answered “it was time”. Sometimes that’s enough for people to get you had a problem but don’t need to tell them about recovery.
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I’ll give you a few reasons why this may happen. Some people have had some very bad past experiences with alcoholics and addicts. After my relapse, my wife has said she would never get involved with one of us ever again. Plus, if my kids were to date a person in recovery, for sure they are going to get a severe warning from mom.
There are also people that have grown up with family members that have struggled badly with addiction. They may have suffered some serious trauma, and may understandably not want to start a relationship with someone in recovery.
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The way I see it, if I tell someone the truth and they stay, that means they like me anyway. But if I lie to them then how do I know they would stay with the real me? Knowing that someone knows the real you and they accepted you is so worth it
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I apreciate it from everyone and I'm glad everyone chimed in,i dont see it as a crutch nor do i want to be vague or misleading to anyone and have to explain myself later on when it accidentally comes out of my mouth. Like i said I'm just venting, i know i'll find someone, i'm 2 years clean, I've lost 85 lbs and counting on my own, i workout intensely every day, i work in medical... I'll figure it out haha
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Identifying the emotions behind these thoughts can also be helpful. “Shame” is a big one for me when it comes to sharing info about my history with addiction.
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This IS a good conversation!
I have a friend who has been sober for 30 years. He tells people he's in recovery all the time. He can't NOT mention it. No matter what people are talking about, he has to bring up that he's "in recovery". It's annoying. FFS I just wanna not fu©k my life up and feel normal and healthy. I don't wanna talk constantly about it to everyone I see, and I'm sure not everyone wants to hear about it all the time. That's borderline selfish IMO.
Most of us have difficulty with balance in our lives. Recovery, in my humble opinion, is choice I need to make every day. Sure, I ebb and flow with how much time and effort I put into it, but it needs to be a big priority in my life. The consequences of a relapse have been extremely painful to me and my loved ones. I really need to be mindful of this as I live my life. I have a neighbor who has over 30 years of continuous sobriety. She goes to a few meetings now and then, and has some sober friends. Then I know guys with 30 plus years who are still all in. Either way, there’s no one perfect way.
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I’d add that they are probably addicts and just don’t recognize it in themselves. If they’re judging it’s because they don’t understand it but they probably grew up with or around it. We in our society like to call it “vices” and they all feared their ugly heads during the pandemic. Did you know you can be addicted to sleep as a coping tool?! Binge drinking on the weekend is in the DCM Manual. Love is an addiction. There’s a 12 Step for it. There’s also a 12 Step for anger, hoarding, food, shopping and love.