Why Hope?

Struggling Help
#1

Welllll, I did it again. Evidently, I cant even stay clean from my DOC for much more than 6mo.

Fentanyl found me yesterday. Did a little, rolled my dads car. Mine is in the shop. Needs a new motor. Paid 14k for a truck with a phuk3d engine. That's awesome. Car salesmen obviously sleeps well at night screwin over unemployed, unemployable, very limited fixed income jvnkies such as myself. Thats grand.

Anyway, I lived. From the wreck and the dope. Back pain is over the top. Thays what drove me tjere to begin with. Now its worse.

Save the words of encouragement, and whatever else comes to mind. I wont read them. I wont respond. Just being honest. Im not figgdt for this s#it. This os a battle Im going lose. VA is fine with that clearly, and I dont have any fight left in me.

All that to say... I appreciate y'all. Id be heartless to post a suicide note.. This isnt that. This is a heads up to all of is messing our lives up... keep on... eventually it just may bring you to a hole so deep you cant see any way out, so you just make yoir bed in it...

Dont be like me. Do better yall. Please. I wont lilely post here anymore. No one wants to read this kind of garbage, and i dont have anything left in me, but this or worse. Please take care

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#2

Don't stop trying! Those vehicles had to go apparently. You were but a tool of his might and ferocity!

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#3

You’re still here. That means something, right? You might feel like there’s no fight left, but even posting this shows you care more than you think. I don’t have magic words, just real ones. You matter. You’re not garbage. And even when it feels like it’s over, there’s still a crack of light somewhere. Please stay.

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#4

Josh, you make a difference in my life. I always searched for your posts and loved when you’d respond with honesty yet positivity. Our world is a better place with you in it. You 100% likely don’t think so right now, you’re going through he!! with back pain. Back pain is no joke period. People who have luckily never experienced it have no idea what it’s like. I’m a nurse. I’ve seen it and experienced it myself. I get it. But Please Stay​:heart::pray:

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#5

Find your purpose in life, pains and prides, struggles and strides. Your words my friend, not mine yet I believe them. Please pull through this. You are strong in faith and perseverance. I believe in you. You wouldn’t be here if God didn’t have a plan for you​:pray::heart:

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#6

Thank you, Jay. You are right. I'm just getting started. Time to reflect and reset.

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#7

Crissy, thank you. I can't deny that God is watching over me. I can't deny that I am here for a purpose. I am better mentally now after some rest and reflection. I'm not going anywhere. Just need to get stronger mentally, physically and especially spiritually.

#8

Thank you, Mindy. This was all very touching. I will stick around. No doubt God has a lot in store. Thank you for the encouragement, I really appreciate it and it makes a big difference in how I fell asleep well as perceive, process, etc.

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#9

Hey brother, you are an inspiration to me whether you read this or not. You've pulled through from this sort of thing before, so you know it's possible. Remember to rely totally on our Father in Heaven. His strength is enough. Checkout Dr. Tony Evans on YouTube. But don't leave me hanging man, I like hearing from you and taking heart from the blessings that abound.

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#10

Josh…..
Three questions my sponsor asked me when I got sober…..
Are you done yet?
Have you had enough pain?
Are you willing to go to any lengths to stay clean & sober?
Fentanyl found you???

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#11

Hey, Josh. In case you read this: please don't give up. We all make mistakes. Sometimes the same one over and over. It means you're human.

Keep posting. It doesn't mean you're a hypocrite. It means you have a story to share. You're sharing hope. You're telling others that I got back up more than I fell. We need that.

You have been such an encouragement to me. As a widow and single mom of 2 years, you have helped me realize that though I got the lowest blow I've ever experienced, life is still beautiful. Please know that for you, too.

You're more than your mistakes, Josh. You're kind, loving, encouraging, and a family man.

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#12

"Remember to rely totally on the Father"

This is where I keep going wrong. I will correct this immediately. Thank you as always for the words of encouragement. Your posts motivate me as well!

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#13

It found me... long story, just disregard.

Those questions as simple as they seem arent thay simple. I can't seem to cope with my pain any more. I will put hope and faith in God and him working through my doctors. That is the only way I can answer it bc I can say all day I'm done but several days of the type pain that pushes me to take my kife and I'll ne back out there trying to self medicate... I know this about me. It's been a painful learning process but thats the truth.

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#14

I'm glad to call you brother.

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#15

I’m so happy to hear from you. You scared me once when you went dark for a little while. I’ve never felt like that for someone I never met but yet cared so much about. You keep fighting my friend. If I could I would give you the biggest hug bc there’s nothing better than a true hug from someone who loves you❤️

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#16

Likewise, brother!

#17

My apologies, Mindy. I've been sleeping a lot. Didn't get to sleep till almost noon. Had to wake every 2hrs due to concussion Had to deal w/ insurance at 4pm and head been splitting, most of the day. Feeling a little better now and just getting getting ready to call it a night, early.

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#18

Josh….. get yourself to a gym. Can’t afford it….start walking and then running. Work through the pain and get support from a sponsor and meetings.
After detoxing from Opiates, Benzo sand alcohol I went to treatment. Went to an AA meeting every single day sometimes twice a day the first year.
Got a sponsor and throughly worked the steps. Started helping other alcoholics. Did service work.
Found a God of my understanding and that’s what keeps me sober today.
Began exercising in treatment and never stopped.
Ran my first marathon at 4 years sober. The gifts of sobriety are endless.
You CAN do this.
Stop obsessing about the pain and begin working on you.
Long term sobriety is available to each of us if we do the work.
Best wishes :pray::peace_symbol:

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#19

How are you doing today?

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#20

I want to read this. Please don't stop posting.